As a Senior Staff Writer/Social Media Director at ClickHole, I’ve worn a number of hats: writing/editing articles, quizzes, choose-your-own-adventure games; directing videos with celebrity talent; co-creating ClickHole/Cards Against Humanity’s party game, Business Walrus; Slate interview subject for an article about bras.

Below are some highlights and personal favorites of the ClickHole content I’ve made over the years (with a complete archive of my article/headline work at the page’s end).

TABLE OF CONTENTS (click to jump)

• Articles / Headlines

• Shareables

• They Said WHAT?!’s

• Videos

• Business Walrus

• Merchandise

• Full Archive

ARticles / Headlines (click to read)

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SHAREABLES (click to expand)

THEY SAID WHAT?! (CLICK TO EXPAND)

(Apologies to St. Vincent for this incident that one of my old, and frankly not even funny, TSW’s caused.)

“Business walrus: A Party Game BY ClickHole & Cards Against Humanity“

MERCHandise (Click To Expand)

Dog bandanas, onesies, t-shirts, hats, Christmas sweaters. ClickHole’s store has sold it all.

An archive of everything I’ve written for clickhole

LIST: My Kid’s Got An Abnormally Soft Head, And If You Absolutely Insist On Bullying Him, Here Are 8 Pranks That Won’t Kill Him (headline)

ARTICLE: The Ls Keep Coming For Ye: Mr. Bean Just Texted Kanye A Video Of Himself Having Goofy Sex With Kim Kardashian

QUIZ: How Many Of These Classic Interview Moments From "The Joe Rogan Experience" Do You Remember?

ARTICLE: Another Harambe Situation? Grandma Won’t Let Go Of Your Sister’s New Baby

ARTICLE: Competition For 23AndMe? This New Company Lets You Send Them Your Saliva And They Will Tell You If They Like It

ARTICLE: Beautiful Cultural Exchange: This German Student Visiting An American High School Shouted “My Eggs!” After He Got Hit In The Testicles With A Football

LIST: 3 Ways Squidward Makes It Really Difficult To Jerk Off To Him

ARTICLE: A Beautiful Cause: Thom Yorke, Ruben Studdard, And Mason Ramsey Have Recorded A New Version Of ‘We Are The World’ To Raise Money To Support Vagina Dentata Research

ARTICLE: A Living Legend In Their Midst: None Of This Man’s Friends Or Family Know He Made The Highest Rated Tab For ‘Black Hole Sun’ On Ultimate-Guitar.com

LIST: Well I’ll Be...It’s The Moon…Old Gray Tits Himself, In The Flesh…Los Mooños De Noche…

ARTICLE: Crisis For Christianity? Biblical Scholars Have Discovered That The 12 Apostles Considered Jesus More Like The ‘Fez’ Of Their Friend Group Than Their Leader

ARTICLE: No Competition: The New York Times Has Announced They Will Only Cover News About Koko The Gorilla Because Nothing Will Ever Be More Newsworthy Than A Talking Animal

ARTICLE: A Concert To Remember: Kacey Musgraves Invited Cap’n Crunch To Sing With Her On Stage Last Night Just As A Ruse To Dump Pig Blood On Him And Make The Crowd Laugh

BLOG: Excuse Me...I’m A Little Shy...But...May I Have Blue Cheese Dressing?

ARTICLE: This Plus-Size Model Was Inspiring. But Then She Lost 100 Pounds, Which Was...Also Inspiring? Even Though She Was Already Perfect Before? But She Is Also Perfect Now?

ARTICLE: Marketing Misfire: Hostess Has Apologized For Insisting Twinkies Can Work As A Tampon Substitute For Women In A Pinch

ARTICLE: Denying The Ozempic Rumors: Jesse Plemons Is Claiming That He Lost 50 Pounds Just By Clapping

ARTICLE: The Future Is Here! Elon Musk Stuck A Guitar Cable In A Dolphin’s Brain And Had Carlos Santana Play A Solo Into It And The Dolphin Died Instantly

ARTICLE: Feeling Himself! Chris Christie Is Rocking Out To ‘I Believe In A Thing Called Love’ While Emailing Photos Of His Brand New Velcro Sneakers To All His Republican Friends

ARTICLE: Children Of La Quinta Come Home: La Quinta Inn Is Offering Birthright To Anyone Conceived In One Of Their Hotels

ARTICLE: Powerful Partnership: Dunkin Donuts And Victoria’s Secret Have Teamed Up To Create A G-String That Smells Like Hash Browns

LIST: Is That His Only Move? 5 Different Times Satan Tried To Tempt Me To Sin With Just An Apple

LIST: 4 Ways The U.S. Is Not Prepared For Another Pandemic, Especially If Through Some Clerical Error A 5 Year-Old Child Is Appointed Director Of The C.D.C.

ARTICLE: Clarifying The Rumors: Marilyn Manson Has Revealed That He Actually Got ALL His Ribs Removed In Order To Suck SOMEONE ELSE’S Penis

LIST: 3 Iconic Steely Dan Songs That Made My Comatose Dad’s Penis Wildly Flail About When I Played Them In His Hospital Room

ARTICLE: Unrealistically High Standards: This Woman’s Hinge Profile Says She Won’t Date You If You’re Racist

ARTICLE: Animal Rights Win! A U.S. Court Just Ruled That If A Chimp Rips Your Face Off It Gets To Keep It

LIST: 5 Apple Varieties, Ranked By How Much They’d Make Sense As A Nickname For Warren Buffett

ARTICLE: Stunning Intelligence: For The First Time Ever, Scientists Have Observed A Chimpanzee Blow Up A Human Child With Its Mind

ARTICLE: Heartbreaking: This George Foreman Grill Is Best Friends With A 7 Year Old Boy But The Kid Has No Idea

ARTICLE: Unlikely Animal Friendship! This 55-Year-Old Man Is Dating A 23-Year-Old Woman

ARTICLE: Huge Blunder: CNN Just Accidentally Published The Article They Have Prepared For When Jesus Christ Returns To Earth

ARTICLE: Worker’s Rights Win! This New Labor Law States That Any Cake Containing A Stripper Must Have A Functioning Restroom Inside It

ARTICLE: Beautiful: This Absolutely Enormous German Child Blew A Fart On A Dandelion And Wished For Sausage

BLOG: My Grandfather Came To This Country With Nothing But His Juicy Couture Sweatpants And The Perfect Ass To Fill Those Things Out

ARTICLE: Devastating: Anthony Hopkins’ Family Has Announced That He Only Has One Night Left Before The Spell Wears Off And He Turns Back Into A Gourd

ARTICLE: Fount Of Wisdom: This Person's Worldview Is Gradually Being Shaped By Viral Tweets From TV Writers Whose Politics Are Entirely Based On Viral Tweets From Other TV Writers

BLOG: My Son Is 8 Years-Old. Is He Too Old To Still Be 8?

LIST: Let Them Down Easy: 5 Gentle Ways To Tell Someone That You’ve Decided Not To Pay Their Venmo Request For The Dinner And Drinks They Put On Their Card

ARTICLE: Wasting No Time: Just Weeks After Their Son Left For College, These Parents Turned His Bedroom Into A Boston Market

ARTICLE: Bad News, Travelers: Thousands Of Flights Are Delayed Due To A Plane That Hit A Deer Somewhere Over Iowa

LIST: The Necks Of Wealth: Here Are 7 Billionaires' Throats

ARTICLE: So Cool! Obama Just Invited The Kids From 'Stranger Things' To Join The Army (headline)

LIST: 4 Big Frogs You Can Store A Few Hot Wheels In (headline)

LIST: 10 Krill That Daddy Likey (headline)

ARTICLE: Subscription Hell: Apple Will Now Charge MacBook Users $2.99 A Month In Order To Use Their Keyboard’s Vowels

ARTICLE: Spoiled Brat: This Rich Little Girl Is Throwing A Tantrum Just Because The Pony Her Dad Bought For Her Birthday Doesn’t Have Legs

ARTICLE: Another Soft Bitch Taking The Easy Way Out, Huh? This Man Passed Away Peacefully In His Sleep

ARTICLE: Vacation Ruined: Grandma Just Dissipated Into Millions Of Atoms Inside The Airport’s Full Body Scan Machine

ARTICLE: An Impending National Headache: The White House’s Landlord Just Announced He Won’t Be Renewing The U.S. Government’s Lease When It Ends Later This Spring

ARTICLE: Animal Welfare FTW! Oscar Mayer Now Requires Pork Producers To Give Their Pigs One Thrilling Sexual Experience Before Sending Them To Slaughter

ARTICLE: Self-Care FTW! This New App Sends You Daily Reminders To Take Your Bra Off And Smoke Virginia Slims

ARTICLE: Fascinating: A Much Smaller Version Of Donald Trump Is Holding Trump’s Hand On The Debate Stage And Keeps Raising His Hand To Speak But No One Is Acknowledging Him At All

ARTICLE: Biology Is Incredible: This Men’s Bowling Team Just Realized All Their Bloating Is Synced

ARTICLE: Historic: For The First Time Ever, A Hot Dog Has Won Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest

ARTICLE: Allyship FTW! In Honor Of Pride Month, The MLB Will Play Clips From ‘Call Me By Your Name’ On The Jumbotron Instead Of Replays

ARTICLE: Disappointing News For The Fans: The NBA Finals Will Be Settled In Arbitration

ARTICLE: Blowing Up In Their Faces: Democrats Just Realized That A Felon Winning Political Office Despite Their Past Wrongs Would Actually Be Progressive

LIST: Here’s Everything You Need To Know

LIST: Clapping Back: The Biden Campaign Is Arguing That Being President Is Actually One Of The Best Ways To Keep An Elderly Person’s Mind Active And Engaged

ARTICLE: The Hidden Price Of Environmentalism: The Cup You’ve Been Reusing For Water At Home All Week Has Started To Develop A Taste

LIST: 5 Confessions I Thought I Could Confide In My Priest Until He Published Them On MyDumbassParishioners.blogspot.com

ARTICLE: That Was Fast: Roger Stone Has Already Had A Religious Awakening And Converted To Islam In Prison

LIST: 5 Of My Father’s Funerals Where He Turned Out To Be Alive And In Attendance, And 2 Funerals Where He Was Actually Dead

QUIZ: How Much Do You Give A Fuck About The Difference Between Dugongs And Manatees?

ARTICLE: Foodies Rejoice! This Chef Make A Hamburger!!!

LIST: Know What You’re Getting Into: 5 Consequences You’ll Probably Face For Intentionally Urinating Yourself At The Barbershop

ARTICLE: Major Breakthrough: Medical Researchers Just Announced That A 400 Pound Child Simply Ain’t Right (headline)

ARTICLE: The Duality Of Man: This Little Boy’s Screams Are Similar To Those Of A Little Bitch

ARTICLE: Beautiful: This Organization Takes Stray Dogs Off The Street And Puts Them Really High Up In A Tree

LIST: Get Started Now: 7 Very Gradual Types Of Foreplay That Will Lead To Sex By The Year 2087

ARTICLE: Devastating: This Image Of Fred Flintstone Chasing Ariana Grande Through A Sewer Is 100% Real, But Everyone Thinks AI Made It

LIST: Real Recognize Real! 5 Kind Strangers Who Pulled Over To The Side Of The Road To Watch Me Flex My Muscles

ARTICLE: Must Watch TV: Texas And California Will Be The First States To Participate In ABC’s New Reality Show ‘Governor Swap’

LIST: 5 Examples Of DVDs And The People Who Own Them

LIST: 5 Signs That Your Doctors’ Office Staff Is Gambling On Your Physical

ARTICLE: A Powerful Message: The Model On The Package For These Adult Diapers Is Insanely Hot

ARTICLE: Please RSVP To Our Partiful Event If You Plan To Like Tomorrow’s ‘They Said What?!’

LIST: 5 Of Our Favorite Bones To Fracture!

LIST: Major Money Mistake: 5 Reasons Why Food Is The Worst Investment You Can Make

LIST: 5 Disney Characters It’s Safe To Assume Are Circumsized

ARTICLE: Poseidon Incarnate: This Little Boy At The Beach Is Standing At The Shoreline With His Bathing Suit Down Peeing Directly Into The Waves

ARTICLE: The Saga Continues: J.K. Rowling Has Revealed That She Herself Once Snuck Into Hogwarts To Steal Snape’s Underwear And Then Sold It To Perverts On Craigslist For $15

ARTICLE: We Literally Do Not Give A Fuck: Rhode Island Is Expecting 4 Inches Of Snow This Week And Can Also Eat Shit For All We Care, Get This Off Our Timeline

ARTICLE: Queer Eye Fans Rejoice! The Fab Five Is Adding A Sixth Member Named ‘Pig Boy’ Who Bites Those Responsible For A Participant’s Self-Esteem Issues

BLOG: I Did Everything I Could To Buy ClickHole, But Their Editorial Integrity Won Out Over My Billion Dollar Offers, And I Respect Them Even More For That (By Elon Musk)

RESISTANCEHOLE: BLOG: Drumpf’s Complicity In Israel’s Brutal Attacks On Palestinians Is Yet Another Example Of The GOP Taking Credit For Obama’s Hard Work

LIST: The Only 3 People To Have Ever Died

ARTICLE: Good For Him! The Joy This Man Is Deriving From Pushing A Big Air Bubble Out Of His Bathing Suit Is Clearly The Happiest He’s Felt In Years

LIST: 5 Tips For Moms Having Trouble Getting Joe Pesci To Latch

LIST: Where Are Their Parents? 4 Doughy, Shirtless Kids Wandering Unattended Around This Cruise Ship With Horrible Sunburns

LIST: 5 Things ‘Titanic’ Got Wrong About Letting A Poor Person Draw You Naked

QUIZ: How Many Of These Rhyming Couplets Have You Heard Your Plumber Whisper Into Your Shower Drain?

ARTICLE: Making A Pivot: Donald Trump Wouldn't Rule Out Granting Citizenship To The Moaning Children's Faces Growing On His Back

ARTICLE: Taking A Stand: Disney Will Add Donald Trump To Its Animatronic Hall Of Presidents But It Will Be Able To Feel Pain

ARTICLE: A Piece Of History: The Massive Ass Implants That Killed JFK During Botched Cosmetic Surgery Are On Display At The Smithsonian

ARTICLE: Huge Blunder: Breitbart Accidentally Published Their Pre-Written Article Template For Defaming Any Woman Who Accuses A Conservative Of Sexual Assault

ARTICLE: Eco-Warriors: These Brave Environmental Activists Have Chained Themselves To A Humpback Whale To Protect It From Japanese Hunters

ARTICLE: Despicable: Donald Trump Jr. Just Posted A Photo Of Himself Proudly Posing With A Worm He Shot On The White House Lawn

ARTICLE: Nature Is Beautiful: A New Study Has Shown That When A Blue Whale Dies Its Body Can Feed Scientists For Three Whole Years

ARTICLE: Amazing! A Shaken Christian Bale Has Revealed The Only Preparation He Did To Play Dick Cheney Was Eating A Caesar Salad That Immediately Made Him Bald And Fat

ARTICLE: Hell Fucking Yes: Your White Yoga Teacher Is Leaning Really Hard Into Indian Culture By Throat Singing And Playing Bansuri Flute Music And If It’s Problematic It’s All On Them But Super Fun For You

ARTICLE: Incredible Humility! Warren Buffet Just Revealed That He Always Flies Cargo Instead Of First Class

ARTICLE: Paving The Way: The Customer Ahead Of You At This Coffee Shop Didn’t Leave A Tip

ARTICLE: Fascinating: A New Report Suggests Trump’s Shooter Went Undetected Because The Secret Service Was Distracted By Two Deer That Were Kissing Like Humans

ARTICLE: Sophie’s Choice: This Voter Is Torn Between Trump And Kamala Because He Loves Them Both Equally

LIST: 8 Steps You Need To Take Immediately If Your Urologist Suddenly Dies Mid-Prostate Exam With Their Fingers Still In Your Anus

ARTICLE: A Positive Perspective: The DNC Is Reminding Disappointed Democrats That While Winning Would’ve Been Great, A Second Place Finish Is Nothing To Sneeze At

ARTICLE: Gambling Culture Gone Too Far? FanDuel Is Letting Users Bet On The Number Of Americans Who Will Be Killed During Post-Election Civil Unrest

ARTICLE: An Icon Disgraced: An Exposé In 'The New York Times' Has Found That Jane Goodall Lied About The Existence Of Chimpanzees

ARTICLE: Devastating: The Out-Of-State Tap Water You Filled Your Water Bottle With While Traveling Is Different From Your Tap Water At Home In A Way That’s Distracting With Every Sip

ARTICLE: Walking The Walk: Elon Musk Has Fired Himself From The Department Of Government Efficiency For Using Social Media On The Job

ARTICLE: Making A Difference: This Man Is Wearing A Jersey To Raise Awareness For Sports

LIST: Hauntingly Beautiful: 5 Breakfast Foods In Moonlight (headline)

ARTICLE: An Incredible Treat: This ‘Wicked’ Fan Just Woke Up To Cynthia Erivo And Ariana Grande Standing Over Her Bed Weeping

ARTICLE: Overstepping Their Bounds: CNN Has Begun Sending Way-Too-Casual Push Notifications Announcing They’re Tired And Can’t Wait For The Weekend

ARTICLE: Worst Possible Timing: Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s Aides Are Desperately Trying To Talk Her Out Of Teaching Herself To Do A Front Flip

ARTICLE: Corporate Disaster: AT&T Has Called Off Its Merger After Time Warner Failed To Disclose That One Of Its Employees Has Diarrhea

ARTICLE: Body Positive Marketing: Dove’s New Freak Show Wagon Of “Nature’s Most Curious Mistakes And Human Horrors” Is Travelling Across America To Show That Beauty Comes In All Shapes And Sizes

ARTICLE: Fed Up: SeaWorld Just Went Off About How Everyone Wants SeaWorld To Get Rid Of Orcas But No One’s Coming To Take The Orcas Off Their Hands

BLOG: Next Time You See An Old Person Alone At A Restaurant, Know That It Would Mean The World To Them If You Ate Them Out Right There Under The Table

BLOG: I Used To Be Pro-Gun Control. But Now...I Think I’m Gonna Hurl You Guys!!!

BLOG:I Was There When Tommy Lee Honked A Boat Horn With His Penis In The Sex Tape He Made With Pamela Anderson, And I Did Nothing

CLICKVENTURE: You Live In 3500 BCE! Can You Become The First Human To Ride A Horse?

I Am 4 Years-Old And I Just Saw A Cow!!!! Ask Me Anything

LIST: If You Can View This List Of Pangolins Without Fantasizing About Eating One...Welcome To The Priesthood! (headline)

LIST: Draw The Curtains On These Street Urchins Peering At Our Roast Goose Supper (headline)

LIST: 5 Of My Son’s Friends Who Are Not Leaving This Sleepover Without Saying Thank You (headline)

QUIZ: Can You Match The Scout Badge To The Reason It Was Revoked From Me? (headline)

ARTICLE: Body Image Win! Thesaurus.com Just Added ‘300 Pounds And Counting’ As A Synonym For ‘Beautiful’ (headline)

ARTICLE: Efficiency Win: Heinz Has Eliminated All Their Executive Positions After Realizing All They Need Is A Couple Factory Guys To Make Ketchup

ARTICLE: Almost There! Michael Phelps Is Close To Having Enough Gold Medals To Redeem Them For A Free Bike

ARTICLE: Heroic: When This Man Saw A Suspicious Device On A Train, He Screamed And Screamed And Screamed

ARTICLE: Damage Control: Mike Pence Has Said That No Matter The Outcome Of The Election, He And Trump Will Continue Making Women’s Lives Hell

ARTICLE: Representation Win! The ADA Is Honoring ‘Popeye’ For Its Honest Depiction Of Whatever’s Going On With Popeye

ARTICLE: Bad News For The #Resistance: Sources Close To Mueller Are Suggesting The Pee Tape Is Real, But It Is Hot As Hell, Maybe The Sexiest Event Ever Caught On Camera

ARTICLE: Totally Fucking Blue-Balled: This Physics Teacher Took Her Class On A Trip To Six Flags, But Gave Them A Mandatory Assignment To Do During It

ARTICLE: The Bernie Effect: Mainstream Democrats Are Slowly But Surely Coming Around To The Idea Of Marrying Jane Sanders Too

ARTICLE: The Dangers Of Automation: The Nation’s Eye Candy Pool Boys Are Struggling To Compete With More Efficient, Sexier Pool Cleaning Robots

ARTICLE: A Broken System: Massachusetts’ Courts Are Still Working Through A Massive Backlog Of Pending Witch Trials

ARTICLE: Cracking Down: The NHL Has Unveiled A New Hyperbolic Time Penalty Box That Makes Three Minutes Inside It Feel Like 500 Years

ARTICLE: Doing His Part: To Support The High School Students Walking Out Today, Logan Paul Has Postponed His Epic School Shooter Prank

ARTICLE: Major Blunder: ‘60 Minutes’ Slimed A WWII Veteran Mid-Interview In A Disastrous Attempt To Broaden The Shows Appeal To Children

ARTICLE: Royal Wedding Watch: Prince Harry And Meghan Markle Have Entered The PODS Container Where Their 8-Month Long Honeymoon Will Take Place

ARTICLE: Big-Dicked King Of The Skies: This Man Just Picked Up Some Rolos And A Mango Naked Juice From The Airport’s CNBC Store

ARTICLE: Unbridled Gluttony: This Hedonistic Boy Read All The Weekly Fun Facts From His School Planner In A Single Class

ARTICLE: Smooth Recovery: Exxon Mobil Has Played Off Their Latest Massive Oil Spill As If They Did It On Purpose

ARTICLE: Animal Rights FTW: PETA Has Launched A New Ad Campaign Encouraging People To Use Non-Leather Belts For Autoerotic Asphyxiation

ARTICLE: Honoring A Legend: After Sitting Courtside At Lakers Games For Over Four Decades, Jack Nicholson Is Now Allowed To Shower With Team

ARTICLE: Nature Is Incredible: Marine Biologists Have Captured Rare Photos Of Two Mutually Beneficial Species Exchanging Business Cards

ARTICLE: Powerful Protest: An Anti-Animal Activist Group Just Snuck Three Orcas Into SeaWorld

ARTICLE: Too Proud: Dad Is Clearly Trying To Play Down How Much He Enjoyed A Vegan Meal

BLOG: If Black Lives Matter Isn't A Racist Hate Group, Than Can Someone Please Explain To Me Why I Keep Insisting They Are?

BLOG: Sasha And Malia Refuse To Smoke Cigarettes With Me So I Will Never Speak To Them Again (By Barack Obama)

VIDEO: Share This With Victoria’s Secret To Thank Them If You’re Dangling Off The Side Of A Building And Your Thong Is The Only Thing Keeping You From Falling To Your Death

VIDEO: Share This Video With Your Landlord To Let Them Know A Reliable Pig Is Subletting Your Apartment

MUST SEE: Unprecedented: A Judge Just Granted Custody Of Two Children To A Pretty Responsible Seeming Walrus Instead Of Either Parent

MUST SEE: Returning The Favor: U.S. Troops Are Making A Special Trip Back To The States To Entertain Kid Rock For An Evening

MUST SEE: Sports Prodigy: This Baby Was Born Shaped Exactly Like A Tennis Racket

MUST SEE: Incredible: This Hero Cop Talked A Suicidal Person Into Going Vegetarian

ARTICLE: Modern Day Caesar: This Man Just Ordered A Single Coffee DoorDashed To Him, Which Is Like, $13 After Taxes, Fees, And Tip

LIST: 5 Reasons You Should Never Feel Guilty About Eating Leprechaun

ARTICLE: ‘Haha, You Guys Are Too Much, What Am I Even Supposed To Do With This?’: This Guy Who Got A Fleshlight As A Joke Secret Santa Gift Is Acting Like He’s Not Going To Fuck It The Second The Party’s Over

ARTICLE: Major Settlement: Sony Has Agreed To Pay $60 Million To This Man Who Woke Up 30 Minutes Before His Sony Alarm Clock Went Off

LIST: No Mother Should Ever Have To Experience This: 4 Children I Had To Abandon Because I Got Bored

ARTICLE: Addressing The Crisis: The Department Of Education Now Recommends That Schools Suffering From A Teacher Shortage Have Their Kids Take Penn & Teller’s Masterclass Instead

ARTICLE: Devastating: The 8 Year-Old Terminally Ill Boy Who Received All The Queen’s Organ Donations Has Died

ARTICLE: So Cool: Amazon’s ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Show Features A Cameo By Jeff Bezos Playing A Hobbit That Gets Wrapped In Foil By A Troll And Cooked In A Campfire Like A Potato

ARTICLE: Walk On Eggshells Today: Your Boss Just Came To Work With A Way Smaller Head, Like It Definitely Shrunk Over The Weekend, And He Clearly Doesn’t Want To Talk About It

ARTICLE: Who Knew She Had That In Her? Grandma Just Shot A Home Intruder

LIST: 20 Incredible Facts About Human Thighs

ARTICLE: No One Wants To Work Anymore: This Couple Spent Three Days In Bed Making Love And Baring Their Souls All While Their Local Hardee’s Is Suffering From Staffing Shortages

ARTICLE: Spineless Pushovers: This Website Has A Pop-Up Asking You To Disable Your Ad-Blocker While Still Providing You With An Option To Continue Without Disabling

ARTICLE: Guess It’s How He Wanted It? Grandpa’s Been Positioned Spread-Eagle At His Open Casket Funeral

LIST: 12 Things You Should Never Say To Someone Whose Consciousness Was Accidentally Uploaded Into A Vending Machine

ARTICLE: ‘I Put A Crouton In My Anus And Let A Chameleon Snatch It From My Anus With Its Projectile Tongue And I Found It Quite Thrilling’: Benedict Cumberbatch Just Announced That He Did That And That He Understands If No One Wants To Work With Him Anymore But It Doesn’t Bother Him Because He’s Found Something That Makes Him Happy

ARTICLE: Better Than Having No Hobbies, We Guess? Dad’s Been Up All Night Practicing The Cup Song Routine From ‘Pitch Perfect’ And Furiously Berating Himself Whenever He Messes Up

ARTICLE: 'No One Should Ever Have To Experience Something Like This': This Man Is Suing Wendy’s After Finding His Own Head In An Order Of French Fries

ARTICLE: Enhancing The Shopping Experience: Whole Foods Just Announced That Customers Are Free To Weigh Big Ass Titties In the Produce Scales If They Ever Feel Like It

ARTICLE: Saving Lives: NYC Is Removing Trains From The Subway System Because They’re Big And Scary And Could Hurt People

ARTICLE: 'Thought We Had Something There, But Nope': The CEO Of Brita Just Vomited At A Press Conference While Announcing Their Filters Don’t Work With Piss

ARTICLE: Yikes: Fargas The Foreign-Exchange Student Just Casually Revealed He’s Been Having Sex Since He Was Like 12

ARTICLE: Protecting The Consumer: Pringles Will Now Require Two-Step Verification In Order To Open Their Cans

ARTICLE: A Piece Of History: The Bass Amp That Gave Away Osama Bin Laden’s Position To U.S. Forces While He Was Teaching Himself To Play ‘Higher Ground’ By The Red Hot Chili Peppers Is Coming To The Smithsonian

ARTICLE: Weirdly Hurtful: This Man Wasn’t Offered A Flier He’d Spent The Last 30 Seconds Preparing To Turn Down

ARTICLE: Incredibly Insensitive: Everyone At This Coffee Shop Is Gawking At A 2-Inch-Tall Man Taking A Bath Inside A Teacup

ARTICLE: Thanksgiving Miracle! Dad Is Too Devastated By The Death Of His Brother To Fight Over Politics This Year

ARTICLE: D.C.’s Fashion Rebel! Kyrsten Sinema Showed Up To A Senate Vote Wearing A Leather Mask And Dangling From Hooks In Her Back

ARTICLE: Making Amends: President Biden Has Announced A Reparations Program For Americans Who Were Scandalized By The Way Elvis Shook His Hips Onstage Back In The 1950s

ARTICLE: Shamelessly Cashing In: The Vatican Just Sold An NFT Of Jesus Dressed As The Joker And Drinking Bang Energy For $3.2 Million

ARTICLE: Fan Theories Confirmed! Check Out The Leaked Script For The Final 'Halloween' Movie In Which Michael Myers Drowns Trying To Bob For Apples With His Mask On

ARTICLE: Forging A Solo Career: Mookie Betts Has Left The Dodgers To Play Baseball By Himself

ARTICLE: Put Them In A Home First Chance You Get: Your Parents Somehow Thought It Would Be Nice To Blow Up The Childhood Photo Of You And Your Cousin Kissing And Hang It Above Their Fireplace

ARTICLE: Ready To Feel Old?! The Deadline You Set For Yourself To Quit Your Job And Finally Start Living On Your Own Terms Already Passed Three Years Ago!

ARTICLE: A Man Ahead Of His Time: Newly Discovered Journals Show That Leonardo da Vinci Designed A Rudimentary Version Of Lil Wayne Way Back In 1497

ARTICLE: Powerful Act Of Mercy: When This Pediatrician Looked Into A Child's Ear And Found A Tiny Family Of Polite, Well-Dressed Ants Begging Him Not To Tell Anyone, He Looked The Other Way

ARTICLE: After 93 Years On Earth, That's All The Wisdom He Has To Offer? Grandpa Just Said It's Important To Have Fun In Life

ARTICLE: Absolutely Devastating: This 38-Year-Old Man Just Realized The Only Store That Carries Pants That Look Good On Him Is Urban Outfitters

ARTICLE: Preparing For The Best: This 8th Grader Just Sprayed A Ton Of Cologne On His Balls Before Going To The Spring Fling

ARTICLE: The Pandemic's Devastating Toll: Experts Say The U.S. Suicide Rate Is Skyrocketing With Every Passing Month That People Are Unable To See The Blue Man Group Live

ARTICLE: Tough Spot: The Instagram Story You Just Casually Tapped Through Might Be The Kind Where You Have To Respond With Something Or Else It’s Rude

LIST: We Nasty! 5 Catfish Who I Am Eskimo Brothers With

ARTICLE: Some Good News During A Dark Time In The World: Dad's Making Lamb Burgers!

ARTICLE: Incredible: Meteorologists Have Tempted Tropical Storm Debby Back Into The Sea With Pepperonis

ARTICLE: Heartbreaking: This Man Just Learned He’s Barely 5’11” On The Dot After Genuinely Thinking He Was 5’11.5” For Years

ARTICLE: Exciting: This Psychic Just Pulled A Yu-Gi-Oh! Card From Her Tarot Deck And Said You Will Become Neurodivergent In The Near Future

LIST: Get Used To It! 5 Reasons I Ain’t Leaving The Sewer

ARTICLE: Incredibly Thoughtful: This Funeral Home Gives Families Of The Deceased A Keepsake Bucket Of All The Fluids Removed In The Embalming Process

LIST: 5 Common Fruits You Had No Idea Were Mine

ARTICLE: Sad: This Understaffed Middle School's Sex Ed Classes Are Taught By A Big Mouth Billy Bass Toy That's Been Reprogrammed To Explain Menstruation

ARTICLE: You Can Get Paid For That?!?! This Person Earns A Full-Time Salary And Benefits Just For Putting Down Dogs!

ARTICLE: You Never Know What Someone's Going Through: The Biggest Asshole You Know Is Privately Struggling With The Consequences Of Being A Huge Asshole

ARTICLE: Disturbing: Apparently One Person In This Single-Child Family Is An Infant And Two Are The Parents But It’s Impossible To Tell Which

LIST: 5 Children I Caught!

ARTICLE: 4 Things I Wish I Understood Before I Went All Out Tailgating My Kid’s Dentist Appointment

ARTICLE: Innovation FTW! Depend Is Now Selling Adult Diapers That Rapidly Inflate Like An Airbag When You Defecate In Them

ARTICLE: Giving Back: The Beeps And Flatline Sounds On This Children’s Hospital’s Heart Rate Monitors Will Now Be Voiced By Julian Casablancas

ARTICLE: Going Above And Beyond For Fans: Taylor Swift Will Now Pause Her Shows Whenever Anyone In The Audience Has To Use The Bathroom

ARTICLE: Awesome: The New England Patriots Have Transformed 75% Of Their Stadium’s Seating Into Private Breastfeeding Pods

ARTICLE: Real-Life Pokemon? There’s A Rat Inside This Beach Ball

BLOG: I Don’t Know Why Instagram's Been Showing Me Ads For Bras Designed For Small Busts…But I’m Not Complaining! (by Cory Booker)

ARTICLE: ‘I Don’t Do That’: This Man Whose Friends Are Poking Fun At A Small Personality Quirk He Didn’t Realize He Had Is Denying It Like A Cornered Animal

ARTICLE: AI’s Threat To Writers: This Smart Fridge Has Been Hired Onto The Writing Staff Of ‘The Goldbergs’

ARTICLE: We Hate To Say It: The Vibes At This Book Burning Are Incredible

ARTICLE: Compassion For The Suffering: Oregon Will Allow The Terminally Ill To End Their Lives By Having The Portland Trail Blazers Stone Them To Death With Basketballs

BLOG: I Need Someone Proofread My Last Will And Testament (by Leonardo DiCaprio)

LIST: Stevie Nicks And CNN, Ranked

ARTICLE: Safety Win! When A Concertgoer Flashed Her Breasts To Get The Foo Fighters’ Attention, Dave Grohl Had Her Airlifted To A Mental Hospital Mid-Show

ARTICLE: Bro: This Cabbage Is Straight-Up Staring At Me Tryna Start Shit

LIST: They’re Talking About My Love Handles, I Know It: 5 Of My Body Imperfections NFL Coaches Whisper About When They Cover Their Mouths During Games

ARTICLE: This Team Can’t Catch A Break: The New York Jets Just Got Trapped In The Same Cave All Those Thailand Soccer Players Had To Be Rescued From In 2018

ARTICLE: Beautiful: When This Teacher Noticed A Student Who Never Had Anything To Eat At Lunch, He Let Her Eat Their Class’s Pet Hamster

ARTICLE: Nostalgia FTW: These Inmates Are Being Transferred To A Maximum Security Prison On MTV’s ‘Next’ Bus

ARTICLE: Can’t Bring Him Anywhere: Dad Got A Nosebleed Trying To Signal This Waiter’s Attention Telepathically

ARTICLE: Surrounded By Yes Men: No One In Drake’s Crew Is Brave Enough To Tell Him That Cussing And Premarital Sex Are Sins

VIDEO: Incredibly Kind: This Mailman Cheers Up A Sad Woman With Some Extra Mail

ARTICLE: Another Soft Bitch Taking The Easy Way Out, Huh? This Man Passed Away Peacefully In His Sleep

ARTICLE: Vacation Ruined: Grandma Just Dissipated Into Millions Of Atoms Inside The Airport’s Full Body Scan Machine

ARTICLE: An Impending National Headache: The White House’s Landlord Just Announced He Won’t Be Renewing The U.S. Government’s Lease When It Ends Later This Spring

ARTICLE: Hard To Watch: This Person Is Desperate To Seem More Upset About Greta Gerwig’s Oscar Snub Than Anyone Else On Her Timeline

LIST: 5 Reasons Why My Life Wouldn’t Be Affected All That Much If Godzilla Were Real And Leveling Japanese Cities

ARTICLE: Subscription Hell: Apple Will Now Charge MacBook Users $2.99 A Month In Order To Use Their Keyboard’s Vowels

ARTICLE: Diplomacy At Its Finest: Mom And Dad Have Agreed To Split A Corn Dog

ARTICLE: Environmental Fail/Nostalgia FTW: This 3-Mile Wide Garbage Patch In The Pacific Ocean Is 100% Comprised Of Troll Dolls

ARTICLE: Environmental Win! These Overflowing Landfills Mean People Aren’t Littering!

ARTICLE: The Golden Age Of The Internet Is Back: It’s Now Even Easier To Accidentally Scroll Across A Death Video Online Than It Was In 2006

ARTICLE: Spoiled Brat: This Rich Little Girl Is Throwing A Tantrum Just Because The Pony Her Dad Bought For Her Birthday Doesn’t Have Legs

ARTICLE: Censorship On The Rise: This Alabama School District Just Banned The Young Adult Classic ‘Mr. Potato Head’s Guide To Tantric Massage’ From Its Libraries

BLOG: One Time I Sprinkled Salt On My Own Brain And I Screamed (by Gordon Ramsey)

ARTICLE: Unprofessional: This Mailman Is Dating One Of The Mailboxes On His Route

LIST: Here Is Absolutely Everything You Need To Know

ARTICLE: Sexism In Rio: The Media's Only Talking About The Achievements Of Female Olympians In Comparison To Alfredo The Incredible Circus Boy

ARTICLE: Heartwarming! This Police Officer Wasn't Sure How To Reach Out To The Black Youth In His Community So He Put A Pumpkin In Front Of The Park Where They Hang Out Sometimes

ARTICLE: Justice Porn: Read The Note This Lady Left For The Jerk Who Parked His Car In A Handicap Bathroom Stall

ARTICLE: Recycling Win! This Environmental Start-Up Takes Old Car Tires And Will Figure Out What To Do With Them Eventually

ARTICLE: The Future Of Food: This Visionary Dessert Chef Surgically Implants Mochi Ice Cream Into Your Stomach Without Your Knowledge Or Permission

ARTICLE: Failing Our Children: This Public School's Sex Ed Class Doesn't Cover Ways To Drive Him Wild And Leave Him Begging For More

ARTICLE: Strut Your Stuff! This Woman Rocks A Two-Piece Bathing Suit At The Beach Despite Giving Birth Just Minutes Ago

BLOG: Just Because I Faked My Pregnancy Doesn't Mean I Wouldn't Be A Good Mother

BLOG: As An ICE Agent, The Best Part Of My Job Is Getting To Work With Children

VIDEO: Total Choke: Employee Knocks Over Boiling Cauldron During The Most Important Board Meeting Of The Year

VIDEO: Heartbreaking Sacrifice: Man Uses His State Quarter Collection To Do Laundry

VIDEO: ‘Mario Kart 8’ Is A Sobering On The Commentary Of America’s Crumbling Infrastructure

VIDEO: Heartwarming: Grandmother Gives Granddaughter The Kidney That's Been Passed Down Through Their Family For Five Generations

VIDEO: Heartwarming! When This Old Man Had Nowhere To Go On Thanksgiving, These Kind Strangers Sent Him Through A Car Wash

VIDEO: Heartbreaking: This Woman Is Carrying An Extremely Hot Dish She Just Pulled Out Of The Oven To A Dinner Table 500 Miles Away

VIDEO: This Woman Was Told She’d Never Walk Again. Three Seconds Later, She’s Sprinting.

ARTICLE: Job-Hogger: While The Majority Of Her Coworkers Got Laid Off, This Digital Media Employee Is Currently Taking On 4 Jobs’ Worth Of Work

ARTICLE: Inheriting A Trainwreck: The Few Remaining Employees Of This Gutted Digital Media Outlet Are Holding A Seance To Contact A Recently Deceased Coworker Who Has Sole Admin Privileges For Their Company’s Facebook Page

ARTICLES WRITTEN BY ME (headlines from contributing writers that I fleshed out into full pieces)

LIST: We Asked 22 Survivors Of The 2010 Chilean Mine Disaster What's The Worst Mine Disaster They've Ever Experienced

LIST: Every Grandparent From ‘Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory,’ Ranked By How Much They Pissed In The Bed Shared

ARTICLE: Tragic: The Michael Jordan Of Whitewater Rafting Just Drowned In The Shaquille O’Neal Of Rivers

BLOG: I Would Like To Be In Another Movie Where I Get To Say ‘I Have Nipples, Could You Milk Me?’ (by Robert De Niro)

ARTICLE: ‘This Is What You Should Call Him Now’: McDonald’s Has Announced It Has Changed Ronald McDonald's Name To ‘INTENSITY’

ARTICLE: Disappointing: This 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' Superfan Left 4 Turtles In The Sewer, And While They Did Mutate, Learn Martial Arts, And Befriend A Large Rat, They Are Ambivalent Towards Pizza And Speak Like Southern Dandies

ARTICLE: Jesus Christ, Not Now: This Woman’s Water Broke Right Before Her Husband Got To The Part In 'The Grinch' Where The Grinch Learns His Lesson

LIST: 6 Silent Chores You Can Do Upstairs While Your Son And His Mean Friends Hang Out

ARTICLE: ‘Put Him Down Immediately’: Pillsbury Has Announced That If The Pillsbury Doughboy Ever Shows Up In Your Kitchen For Real You Should Definitely Kill Him

QUIZ: Are You Enough Of A Tough Guy To Make Up For Your Adorably Long Eyelashes?

QUIZ: Are You Such A Hollywood Big Shot That You Won’t Even Give Your Brother A Full Body Wax?

QUIZ: How Many Of These Things Have You Yelled While Having Mind Blowing Sex With R.L. Stine?

ARTICLE: Major Disappointment: This Little Boy Wanted SpongeBob SquarePants At His Birthday Party, But His Parents Could Only Find A Square Man Who Claims That He Lives In The Ocean

ARTICLE: The Golden Arches Have Fallen: The Intensive Plan McDonald’s Has For The Days After Ronald McDonald Dies

LIST: Not Just For Crimes: The 5 Most Polite Acts Ever Committed In International Waters

LIST: It’s Almost Here! 8 Things You Can Do To Get Ready For Orangutan Season

CLICKVENTURE: Get Fucked Up On Gin And Build A Gazebo For Your Neighbor

ARTICLE: Finally! Mattel And The Gerald Ford Presidential Library Are Teaming Up To Release A Limited Edition Barbie Whose Job Is Feeding Gerald Ford Grapes In Heaven

ARTICLE: A Piece Of History: The Only Thimbleful Of Pixie Dust That Remained When The Last Little Girl Stopped Believing In JFK Is Coming To The Smithsonian

ARTICLE: National Security Nightmare: Matt Groening Has Defected To Iran And Is Believed To Be Helping The Ayatollah Draw Bart

ARTICLE: Mom’s Not Going To Like This: Dad Milked Himself Dry In The Bathroom At Work And Now He Doesn’t Have Any Cum Left For Intercourse

ARTICLE: Hell Yeah! MTV Is Releasing The Unaired Episode Of ‘Viva La Bam’ Where Bam Steals Phil’s Copy Of Pride And Prejudice And Replaces It With The Norton Annotated Edition Of Pride And Prejudice {JW}

ARTICLE: Full Transparency: This Gas Station Bathroom’s Cleaning Logsheet Has Another Sheet Next To It Listing All The Times Someone Absolutely Lit The Place Up

ARTICLE: Passing The Torch: Bruno Mars Has Taken Over For Michael Jackson As The Singer Who Exclusively Befriends Children And Looks Incredibly Sick

ARTICLE: 5 Signs Your Family Has A Secret Second Dad

ARTICLE: Awesome: This Instruction Booklet For How To Put Together An End Table Has A Couple Extra Steps At The End Explaining How To Give Yourself A Hands-Free Orgasm To Celebrate A Job Well Done

LIST: 4 Reasons I Think Kermit May Be In My House Right Now

ARTICLE: ‘You Create Your Own Destiny Here’: This New Ad From Stouffer’s Reminds Consumers That Eating A Stouffer’s Dinner Is Only As Sad As You Choose To Make It

ARTICLE: Securing His Legacy: Joe Biden Is Spending His Last Two Months In The White House Attempting To Become The First President To Push A Cup Off A Table With His Mind

ARTICLE: Awesome! Kraft Is Introducing New Frank Sinatra-Shaped Mac & Cheese For Sheltered Kids With Really Old Parents

LIST: ‘Your Church’s Christmas Pageant Has A Scene Where Jesus Shaves His Legs’: 18 Signs Your Priest Is Being Sponsored By Gillette

ARTICLE: One Thing At A Time, Dude: This 3-Year-Old, Who Still Needs Help Wiping His Own Ass, Just Asked What Happens To Pets When They Die

ARTICLE: Finally, A Vegan Option: Best Buy Is Now Selling A Carrot

ARTICLE: What A Mess: Zoo Officials Are Having Trouble Measuring This Giant Snake Because It Keeps Twisting And Spinning Around And Suffocating The Zoo Officials Until They Die

ARTICLE: Empowering Their Customers: Long John Silver’s Has Announced It’s Okay To Gaslight And Emotionally Manipulate Your Partner If You Can Get Some Long John Silver’s Out Of It

LIST: Damn, Boy: Put A Shirt On

ARTICLE: It’s Not Just For Show: Tootsie Roll Just Revealed That The Tootsie Pop Owl Wears A Graduation Cap Because He Has A B.A. In Hotel Management From Rice University

ARTICLE: Nature Is Incredible: This Tortoise Is Broadcasting A Wi-Fi Signal

ARTICLE: Give It Up For The King Of Fantasy: George R.R. Martin Just Announced That Instead Of Finishing The Game Of Thrones Books He’s Just Gonna Stay Rich AF And Let These Broke Boys Worry About Dragons

LIVE UPDATES: The Dalai Lama Is At Spencer’s Looking At All The Lava Lamps

ARTICLE: Heartbreaking: This Man Just Discovered That The Dog-Face Instagram Filter Works On His Penis But He Doesn’t Have Anyone In His Life Who He Can Show It To

ARTICLE: Must Be Rich: This Little League Player Has Gatorade Instead Of Water

ARTICLE: Shots Fired: Ringling Bros. Is Tweeting That Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson Might Be Having A Moment Now, But 80 Years Ago, He’d Be BEGGING To Lift Spherical Dumbbells In Their Circus

ARTICLE: Unhelpful Hysterics: This Carbon Monoxide Detector Is Emitting A Shrill Series Of Chirps Instead Of Suggesting Realistic, Practical Paths Forward

ARTICLE: Could It Really Be Them? Two Of The Sumo Wrestlers At This Tournament Are Wearing The Daft Punk Helmets

ARTICLE: Oh, So We’re Getting Freaky? This Kid On A Playdate Just Climbed Up The Stairs On All Fours

ARTICLE: We’ve Done It! When This Researcher Discovered A New Turtle Species, An Angel Appeared To Reveal That Humans Had Found Every Kind Of Turtle And Gifted The Researcher A Huge Coin

ARTICLE: They Would Eat You If They Had To: Research Has Found That Children Do Not In Fact Love Their Owners

ARTICLE: Time To Grow Up: This 33-Year-Old Still Shares A BangBros Login With His Parents

LIST: 5 Beautiful Endangered Species Who Would Get Their Ass Kicked By Optimus Prime

ARTICLE: Keeping Things Fresh: Disney World Just Debuted A New ‘Summer Mickey’ That Hangs Around Disney Resort Pools In The Smallest Swimsuit You’ve Ever Seen

ARTICLE: Better Late Than Never: Barack Obama Just Learned While Editing His Own Wikipedia Page That Sasha And Malia Aren’t Twins

ARTICLE: Eat Your Vegetables: You See Plenty Of Cute Dogs On The Internet, But Now You Must Be An Adult And Look At Some Sick Ones

ARTICLE: Who Greenlit This? 'To Catch A Predator' Is Getting A Spinoff Called 'To Catch A Fish’ Where Chris Hansen Goes Fishing With Pedophiles

ARTICLE: The Darkest Hour Comes Just Before The Dawn: SeatGeek Says There Are No Current Or Upcoming Events For Daughtry in The Greater Chicago Area

ARTICLE: Major Red Flag: This Man’s Bookshelf Has A Big Bug On It

LIST: Your Grandmother Wanted You To Have This List Of 5 Times Steve Harvey Couldn’t Even

ARTICLE: Incredible News! The Little Man Beckons Us Forth!

ARTICLE: Seems Like A Thing You Gotta Be Over 40 To Understand: You Just Saw Your Dad Cry For The First Time Ever After He Found Out That Some Howard Stern Wack Packer Named Baby-Sized Cameron Died

ARTICLE: Side Hustle Or Abuse Of Power? A New Report Shows Members Of Congress Made Over $10 Million Dollars Selling Marbles To Jimmy Carter In 2021

LIST: 2 Owls (Chopped And Screwed)

ARTICLE: Finally Getting His Due: Toyota Has Agreed To Pay A $700 Million Settlement To The Man The Toyota Corolla Is Based On

ARTICLE: Nature Is Incredible: Dad’s Belly Has Grown Out To Protect His Vital Organs From Predators

LIST: Use The Slider To Check The Pope For Ticks!

ARTICLE: His Gift Is His Curse: This Auctioneer Is Talking Too Fast For Anyone To Understand That They Forgot His Birthday Yesterday

ARTICLE: Odds Are Completely Fucked: The Dude-To-Gnome Ratio At This Party Is Way Off

LIST: Get In On The Ground Floor In Case The Internet Makes Him Its Next Inexplicable Little Collective Crush: 5 Times Red Forman Was Low-Key Thicc

ARTICLE: Devastating: Barack Obama Just Visited The White House To Relive His Glory Days But No One There Even Remembers Him Anymore

ARTICLE: Missing The Mark: This Dad Trying To Bond With His Son At The Monster Truck Show Does Not Understand That His Son Would Rather Be Fucking the Cars

ARTICLE: A Historic Find: Archeologists Have Discovered The Original 'Faith' Sign That Hung Above Jesus's Toilet

ARTICLE: Epic Prank: These Med Students Got Blackout Drunk And Grafted A Penis Onto Their Passed Out Friend’s Face

ARTICLE: Establishing Dominance: This Substitute Teacher Just Walked Up To The Biggest 6th Grader In Class And Beat The Shit Out Of Him

ARTICLE: He’s Back: Anthony Fauci Just Signed A Netflix Deal For A Show Where He Travels To Exotic Locations And Samples The Many Unique Diseases The World Has To Offer

ARTICLE: Philanthropy FTW! The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation Just Distributed 5,000 ‘Caution Wet Floor’ Signs To Some Of The Slipperiest Places In The World

ARTICLE: Again With This: The Love Of Your Life Would Like To Go Out and Do Something Tonight

ARTICLE: So The Plan Is To Turn Him Into A Huge Pussy? The Teacher Who Stepped Up To Mentor This Troubled Teen Is The Biggest Chump On The Entire Faculty

ARTICLE: Closure At Last: NASA Has Closed Its Investigation Into The Challenger Disaster And Concluded That The Challenger Exploded

ARTICLE: 5 Yu-Gi-Oh Guys, Take Them Or Leave Them

ARTICLE: Prayers For The President: Joe Biden Has Been Rushed To Walter Reed Medical Center With A Case Of The Zoomies

ARTICLE: Bitch: This Woman Won’t Let Her Husband Go Eat Salt Water Taffy With The Boys

ARTICLE: Not As Sharp As He Once Was: Q’s New Gadgets For James Bond Are All Just Different Colors And Sizes Of E-ZPass

LIST: Suck It, Capitalist Swine: Use The Sliders To Make These Billionaires' Sleeves Too Long

ARTICLE: Risky Move: This Guy Posted An Open Invitation On Facebook For Anyone Who Wants To Go To A Concert With Him

ARTICLE: Mutually Assured Destruction: These White Former Classmates All Still Have The Video Of Their 12-Year-Old Selves Rapping ‘Straight Outta Compton’

ARTICLE: A Piece Of History: The Bed In Which JFK Passed Away Peacefully In His Sleep At 93 Surrounded By Friends And Family Is Coming To The Smithsonian

ARTICLE: Brothers In Crisis: Dylan And Cole Sprouse Got Too Drunk Last Night And Now They Don’t Know Which One Is Which

LIST: 5 Times Anthony Bourdain Reminded Us All To Eat

ARTICLE: Spreading Awareness: Benicio Del Toro Just Created A New Foundation To Educate The Ladies That There Is Only So Much Benicio To Go Around

ARTICLE: Getting Back To What Matters: Mark Zuckerberg Is Stepping Down From Facebook To Refocus On His Passion For Helping Harvard Students Connect Online

ARTICLE: Living It Up On The Taxpayers’ Dime: Joe Biden Has Already Spent 28 Days Of His Presidency Getting Colonoscopies

ARTICLE: Probably A Mixup But Still Pretty Cool: This Dying Man Is Seeing Howie Mandel’s Life Flash Before His Eyes

ARTICLE: Dangerous Overcorrection: Police Haven’t Caught A Witch In Over 300 Years

ARTICLE: Doing Damage Control: Miles Teller Just Had To Solemnly Tour The Smithsonian Air & Space Museum After Making Fun Of Hot Air Balloons

ARTICLE: The Perils Of Climate Change: All The Bison In Yellowstone National Park Are Now Backwards

ARTICLE: Kind Of Cool In A Different Way: This Couple That Pulled Up Their Carpets Hoping To Find Hardwood Found Wee Man Instead

ARTICLE: Top That: The Person In Front Of You At The Wake Just Kissed The Body

ARTICLE: Automotive Breakthrough: The 2022 Toyota Corolla Will Include A Jean Pocket On The Outside Of The Car To Put Your Hand In To Look Casual While Driving

ARTICLE: America Is Better Than This: These Chairless People Are Being Forced to Fight Over A Constantly Diminishing Supply Of Chairs

ARTICLE: Heartbreaking: This Overweight Boy Is Too Self-Conscious To Take His Shirt Off At A Masked Orgy

ARTICLE: We Know It Ain't Much, But We'd Be Much Obliged If You'd Accept These Meager Few Pictures Of Centaur Shailene Woodley

ARTICLE: Tragic: Your Heartfelt Facebook Post About Your Friend’s Death Isn’t Getting The Engagement It Would Have In 2013

LIST: 6 Pictures Of The Barren Mars Landscape That Will Make You Appreciate The Fact That Your Hometown Has Two Burger Kings

ARTICLE: Prove It: If You’re Really As Anti-Capitalism As You Say, Surely You’ll Have No Problem Mooning The Monopoly Man

ARTICLE: Humiliating: This Adult Man Is Following Behind An Employee Who Has To Unlock His Video Game For Him With A Little Key

ARTICLE: Breaking The Shackles Of Capitalism: This Spiky-Haired Boy Is Going Buckwild In The Arcade’s Racing Game Driver Seat Without Even Inserting Any Coins

ARTICLE: Look Not At Your Feet, Mi Bonita: To Truly Mambo, You Must Look At These 6 Photos Of Ed Helms

ARTICLE: Rest In Power: Betty White Has Drowned After The 36K Breast Implants She Got In Hopes Of Getting Cast As Lara Croft Weighed Her Down In The Bathtub

QUIZ: Just Following Up On That Creepy Message I Wrote In Blood On Your Bathroom Mirror

ARTICLE: Chance Of A Lifetime: Nobody Is Watching And You Could Probably Just Take The Vacuum Cleaner From This Yard Sale Without Paying

ARTICLE: Leading By Example: President Biden Will Get Circumcised On Live Television To Prove To Americans That It’s Safe

ARTICLE: The Wisdom Of Ol’ Blue Eyes: 10 Frank Sinatra Quotes That Will Help You Discern The Difference Between A Car And A Dame

ARTICLE: World’s Dumbest Man: The Guy Behind You At The Baseball Game Genuinely Believes The Jumbotron CGI Baseball Is Under Hat #3

ARTICLE: East Meets West: This Kid Is Wearing Blue Jeans To His Karate Class

ARTICLE: Incredibly Prescient And Eerie: This Farm Has Pretty Much All Of The Same Animals From George Orwell’s ‘Animal Farm’

ARTICLE: Representation Matters: CBS Is Letting An Extremely Depressed Teenager Host ‘The Price Is Right’

LIST: The 4 Personalities

ARTICLE: Disturbing: These Newly Leaked Photos Reveal The Squalid, Inhumane Conditions In Which KFC Raises Its Cashiers

ARTICLE: Highly Irresponsible: This Man Bought A Struggling Mom's Groceries, Distorting Free Market Incentives And Creating Economic Moral Hazard

ARTICLE: Man’s Best Friend In Action: This Heroic Dog Pulled His Owner Out Of A House Party With Bad Vibes

ARTICLE: 9 Freddy Krueger Quotes You Should Never Repeat To A Pregnant Woman

ARTICLE: Mark Your Calendars: Astronomers Just Announced That This Month The Property Brothers Will Be In Perfect Alignment, Appearing As If A Single Property Brother

ARTICLE: Falling On Hard Times: The Pope Is Clearly Living Out Of The Popemobile

ARTICLE: Awesome! BetterHelp And Cameo Are Joining Forces So Customers Can Receive Therapy From Former Recurring Cast Members Of ‘The Office’

ARTICLE: Getting Serious: This Man Just Jolted Up Out Of Bed At 3 A.M. To Write “NO MORE EXCUSES” Into His Notes App

ARTICLE: Incredibly Thoughtful: This Couple Is Handing Out Little Gift Bags And Notes To Their Fellow Airplane Passengers Apologizing For The Insane Sex They’re Going To Have In The Bathroom

ARTICLE: Body Positivity FTW! When This Overweight Student Broke A Chair During Class, Nobody Laughed And A Few People Got Turned On

ARTICLE: Master Tactician: Joe Biden Just Solemnly Pushed A Figurine That Looks Exactly Like Him Across A Tabletop Map Towards A Dot Labeled ‘McDonald’s’

BLOG: In Order To Clear Up Any Confusion, Yes, Fockers = Fuckers (by Ben Stiller and Robert De Niro)

ARTICLE: The Newest Decepticon: The Next Transformers Movie Will Introduce An Evil Robot That Turns Into A Shuttle That Takes At-Risk Elderly People Directly To The Casino

ARTICLE: Medical Mystery: The American Medical Association Has Confessed It Has No Idea Where A Nosebleed Goes When It Stops

LIST: 6 Emails That Prove The DNC Was Working Against Sanders And Might Also Be Trying To Catch A Mermaid

ARTICLE: A Unified Party: Hillary And Bernie Pinned A Rabid Coyote Between Their Two Cars

ARTICLE: Progress FTW! After Barring Jewish Members For Over 150 Years, This Charleston Country Club Has Switched To Renewable Energy

LIST: Bagels, For Dessert!

BLOG: While I Love The Band Rush, I Worry That Neil Peart’s Need For Drumsticks Has In Some Way Contributed To Deforestation

ARTICLE: Giving Back: Eddie Murphy Is Donating His ‘Nutty Professor’ Fat Suits To Burn Victims To Give Them A Second Chance At Life

LIST: 3 Jennifer Anistons, 2 Kim Kardashians, 4 (FOUR!!!) Michelle Rodriguez, And Very Sorry But Only 1 Kristen Bell

LIST: 6 Silent Chores You Can Do Upstairs While Your Son And His Mean Friends Hang Out

ARTICLE: Progress: This Prison Will Replace Solitary Confinement With A Bountiful Fig Tree Just Maddeningly Out Of Reach

ARTICLE: Dispelling Health Concerns: Hillary Clinton Ripped Out Her Femur On Stage And Proved It Is Unbreakable

VIDEO: True Hero: When This Guy Saw A Dog Locked In A Hot Car, He Leapt Into Action